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Chronic Pain and Sex
By Lauri Jean Crowe
Published December 2000

As a sufferer of chronic pain, I know that an area that is often affected is relationships. Whether they be platonic or sexually oriented, chronic pain can come between people when they don’t know how to deal with it. Chronic pain is often something that is difficult for someone who doesn’t have it to understand. Often when an individual says they are too tired, in too much pain, or hurt so they don’t want to have sex, the partner interprets this as the pained individual not wanting them personally. This is where much miscommunication occurs between the sufferer of chronic pain and their significant other.

This article offers tips and suggestions for those who live with individuals who have chronic pain and illness. Spouses, significant others, and life partners, as well as those suffering from chronic pain can apply this advice in their daily lives in order to enhance their relationships and make the experience of sexuality more open, honest, and satisfying for each other.

• Be aware. The most important aspect of dealing with chronic pain is being aware that it exists. Note if your partner has been having difficulties throughout the day. If so, be gentle, take time with foreplay and have cuddle time. Don't just think of satisfying yourself. .
  
  
• Once you've established that you are going to have sexual relations, don't say, "are you sure your want to do this?". You are doing this, and asking you partner if they want to is like asking them if they want to continue. While you may think you’re being considerate, this may be interpreted by an overly sensitive individual with chronic pain as if you want to stop.
  
  
• In the midst of sex, don't stop, look at your partner who has been enjoying themselves and say, "Am I hurting you?". Again, you may feel that you’re being considerate, but this merely breaks whatever good feelings were happening for your partner in the midst of their pain, and causes the chronically ill person to remember their pain. By asking, “Am I hurting you?“ you are putting the focus on the pain instead of the person. This can be one of the most disastrous questions in a sensual relationship with a chronically pained individual.
  
  
• Don't think you've done something wrong if your partner doesn't reach climax. Often those who are suffering from chronic pain do not reach orgasm because no matter how great their pleasure, the pain still factors in. Pain can be a distraction even in the best of relations. Remember that even a little bit of good feeling and arousal can be better than your partners average day, and that by following the other suggestions presented here you will help give your partner a wonderful sexual experience even if you don’t give them a climax.
  
  
• Don't forget that your partner has needs too. If your partner is continually not reaching climax, then find out if there is something you can do to make him or her more comfortable during sex so they achieve maximum enjoyment. Sometimes you may find that you already are doing everything possible on your end and that your patience and consideration are making your partner happy and sexually satisfied.

Writer:
Lauri Jean Crowe is a freelance writer known for such diverse topics as dreams, sexuality, gardening, health and parenting. She is a freelance writer, artist and designer living in Michigan, USA. Lauri Jean welcomes feedback at vu-writer@earthlink.net and is seeking serious individuals who wish to be interviewed about all aspects of sexuality.

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